literature

How to make a ttly hawt guy

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How to make a ttly hawt guy that girls will squeal over
1.Hair.  The dude must have AMAZING hair.  Even if it makes him look like a girl, or Elvis, or both.  His hair must be AT LEAST longer than his ears.  Because no fan girl likes a guy with short hair.  Ever.
2.Eyes.  The character MUST have dreamy, amazing eyes that look like glass windows and wet pools of morning rain that reflect his soul!  And who says eyeliner and shadow is just for girls?  Work that eye make-up!  Remember, real hott guys aren't afraid to wear makeup!
3.Six-Pack.  He must have a six-pack!  Must!  Or an eight pack.  Just so long as he has ABBS!  And have him take off his shirt at least once for the hormonally-confused 12-and-13-year-old girls.  They will gape in awe of his pagan godlike stomach.
4.Fashion.  He must have good taste in fashion.  He should be metro, gangsta, punk, or emo, visual kei, or some odd combination of these.  His fashion sense makes him stand out from every other average guy you'll see.  It says to the 12-and-13-year-old tweeny boppers "Yo, look at me.  I'm unike, I'm speshul!"  
5.Attitude.  Even though looks is the most important thing, attitude certainly makes a difference to the degree of hotness your guy can radiate.  He should be a little rough around the edges. Make him be a violent, bad-ass criminal, or a womanizer who finds his special someone and magically and rapidly changes into a loving and committed Ken doll, or a verbally and mentally abusive boyfriend who would protect his girl at all costs.  This attitude will be sure to keep girls interested.  You know why?  Because it's sexy. Because he's too cute to be thought of as a jerk.  He would only be a jerk if he were ugly, which he certainly is not.  Oh, and one more thing.  He must never actually hit his girl.  Forcing himself on his girl, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and emotional abuse is totally fine (if you doubt me, just read the Twilight series).  Just not physical abuse.  That's totally not okay.  Okay?
6.Sensitive side.  This must come out when he is with his girl.  Remember, even if his girl lacks any sense of personality or intelligence, and even if he habitually treats her like pooh, he must suck up and treat her like a princess.  He will cry over her, he sing sappy songs to her, he will kiss her feet, and he will act like her personal slave, ahem, I mean love her forever.  And ignorant little girls everywhere will sigh and think about him before they go to bed.  Trust me.
7.Talent.  He must be good at something, other than being a d---, ahem, I mean totally hot.  Make him a musician, or an athlete, or a crime-fighting superhero.  He doesn't have to be THAT good at what he does.  Just good enough to make an impression.  That way when those oh-so-mature girls watch him they can be proud of him, dance around and screech "oh my gawd I love you so much!" over and over again.  
8.Friends.  He must have no friends.  Or at most only one friend.  That way, he can build that deep relationship with his girl cause she's the only support he really needs.  That way she is the only one he spends most of his time with.  And that way he can be so socially awkward that no guys will be able to treat him like the idiot he is, AHEM, I mean relate to him, AHEM, I mean that way none of their gross "manliness" will rub off on him.  EWWWEEE!  Because remember, average guys aren't hott.  They're just, average.  Every guy should be more like your hawt creation.
9.Mass production.  Now for the easy part.  You have to print his face on gazillions of posters, tee-shirts, stickers, notebooks, napkins and pillow cases.  That way your obsessive fan girls will constantly be reminded of him, and thus you can fuel their addiction and rake in the money.  Good luck.  
So what happened to the satire category for literature? Anyway. Yeah, it's a satire if you couldn't tell from my insanely sarcastic tone, intentional misspelling of words, and strange word choice. This is just for fun.
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ReverseImaku's avatar
don't forget, he must have a dark and emo past that he can't get over.